


Broken, Bruised, Bloody, Brave

by Selah



Series: Gensou [11]
Category: Jrock, LUNA SEA, X JAPAN, the GazettE
Genre: M/M, Polyamory, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6576625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selah/pseuds/Selah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelve months, almost to the day. They had not been particularly kind, to either of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken, Bruised, Bloody, Brave

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for a Tumblr meme, based heavily on RP events. Set mid-November, 2015.

Aoi felt strangely ... not nervous, exactly. Uneasy? No, that wasn’t quite right either. Worried ... uncertain ... perhaps even a little bit shy and fearful as he knocked on his senpai’s door. Maybe he should have suggested ordering in ahead of time? But that would have spoiled his plan. Well, such as it was. 

“Hey,” Sugizo said with his usual smile, welcoming him to his home with a hug that felt just a little bit off from their recent usual. “Hope you’re in the mood for sushi.”

That caught him a bit off guard, especially when his senpai stepped back and gestured towards the lounge. Curious, he slipped out of his boots and followed him.

“... okay, either you’re psychic or someone tipped you off,” he mock huffed, arms crossing over his chest when he saw the sushi spread waiting for them on the coffee table.

“Tipped off? No,” Sugizo said with a shake of his head, “I just thought lunch would be helpful if we’re supposed to, yanno, be meeting for lunch.”

“Okay, yes,” Aoi conceded, uncrossing his arms and moving further into the apartment, “but that’s not the point. _You_ were supposed to think we were meeting here to keep from breaking Ussan again and that we were going _out_ somewhere. I was supposed to get here and _then_ suggest that I wasn’t feeling up to being around people and couldn’t we just order in something instead. Though I suppose this way is easier.”

“Well, considering what prompted the added lunch date for this week, I would have suggested ordering in anyway, so I just picked something up,” his senpai said quietly. And though he could tell the other was trying to act completely casual, completely natural … as he’d said, there was a reason for this not so spur of the moment lunch date. Turning back towards him, Aoi stepped into his personal space and hugged him close. A beat and then Sugizo was relaxing into the hug, holding Aoi tight to him for a long moment.

“Pieced it together then, I take it? Or did Hyo catch you up to speed?”

“Ah, yeah, Hyo-chan sorta gave me the short version after I made confused noises at her,” Aoi admitted, stepping back and rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish, shy smile. “I … I know we had problems, senpai, but this … this wasn’t how I wanted them solved.”

“In the end, it had nothing to do with you at all,” Sugizo insisted with a shake of his head, fingers briefly ghosting against his cheek, “and everything to do with a distinct lack of compatibility in personalities.”

“Yeah?” That was unexpected, and the voice in the back of his head was already insisting it was impossible. After all, he was the homewrecker, the slut, the whore, never mind that Sugizo had never even made an attempt at anything of the sort with him. And he wouldn’t have allowed it, either. Sure, he and Sugizo were both poly, but inasmuch as his senpai had broken his heart (not that he had been able to admit that even to himself at the time) in order to be exclusively with Hiro.... But he was letting himself get sidetracked. Spying their lunch on the coffee table, he nudged Sugizo towards the couch before taking a seat himself.

“Want to talk about it?” he asked quietly. “I mean, I know we kinda always avoided it before because it would seem weird or awkward, I mean with us being … what we were and the way things went when he came into the picture and all, but.... And I know you have other people you could go to with this, it’s not like you needed me to talk to or anything.... I guess I just mean ... I mean, we’re friends ... at least I think we’re friends ... and, well, talking helps....”

Well that had been completely awkward and Aoi winced internally as he was finally able to make himself stop babbling like an idiot. Maybe he should go, maybe this had all been a bad idea from the start and -...

“One, other people aren’t you,” Sugizo said as he sat down beside him, those warm hands landing on top of his own and stilling their restless fidgeting. “There aren’t many that I’ve let in as far as you. But that’s not the point right now, I guess. There’s ... really not a lot to say about it, to be honest. He thought that I should change parts of me that he didn’t like or that hurt him to make things work and prove my love. I refused to continue denying parts of my inherent personality.

“That seems ... yeah, incompatibilities,” Aoi agreed. “Still, I’m ... I know you ... I mean ... I’m sorry.”

“I think I’ve known we were coming to this for awhile now. It still hurts, but I think I mostly came to terms with it a few days before it happened. He had said some things, supposedly in confidence, without saying as much, that made me realize that nothing I did was or ever would be enough to satisfy him.”

“Even when you know it’s coming, even when you know it’s completely the right thing to do, breakups still suck,” Aoi said softly, scooting a little closer without really understanding why. Until a warm arm moved to curl around his shoulders and for a heartbreaking moment it just felt so _right_ he wasn’t sure he could even breathe.

“Especially when it’s letting go, not because you don’t care, but because you _do_.”

“Especially then,” he agreed softly. It was stupid to feel this fragile just from a simple gesture. He knew Sugizo loved him, they had confessed to each other last month. Hell, this whole half-baked plan of his hinged on that. So why oh _why_ was he suddenly afraid to see evidence of those feelings?

“I think I ended up hanging myself with my own rope, at least partly,” his senpai continued, seemingly unaware of the turmoil Aoi was feeling. “He seemed genuinely surprised to hear I was a naturally flirtatious person and that repressing that was a big part of my irritability lately.”

“... how the hell does that come as a surprise after a whole year of knowing you? And the gods alone know how many years of fanboying over you ahead of that,” Aoi sputtered. “I mean, I know stage persona and private reality are two different things, but still....”

“Because I kept a tight rein on it, knowing it made him uncomfortable,” Sugizo said and it would have been impossible to miss the bitterness that had crept into his voice. “Apparently I was supposed to be willing to change anything that might hurt him, even if it meant denying a part of myself.” 

“But that’s ... I’m sorry,” he said softly. “It’s like he didn’t know you at all....”

Anger welled up in him then, an old bitter taste. A year. They had lost an entire year and now here he finds that the man who had taken so much from him hadn’t even known what it was he’d had in his hands that whole time? For a brief moment it was all he could do to keep himself from hunting down that person and ripping his throat out with his bare hands. That someone, anyone, could be so arrogant, so blind to reality as to not appreciate the precious gift that was Sugizo....

The hand that had been loosely rested on his shoulder shifted down to grip his arm, lips pressing to his temple as he was pulled gently closer.

“It’s all right, sweetheart. I’ve been thinking the same thing for awhile now. It’s been exhausting, trying to live up to his expectations. And now I can work on compensating those I care about for the year of neglect they’ve suffered.”

“I ... I know I don’t speak for anyone else, but ... you don’t owe me anything, senpai,” Aoi said, shaking his head.

“Maybe. But it’s something I feel I’ve done. Something I need to do for myself,” the elder guitarist said with a slight shrug.

“And there’s no talking you out of it?” Aoi phrased the words as a question, but he already knew the answer. And from the small smile that had appeared on his senpai’s face, he knew Sugizo knew it, too.

“Not in the least. If it helps, think of it as part of my healing process, of getting back to being my true self, the person I was before I started denying parts of myself in the hopes of making him happy.”

That made sense and Aoi nodded. “Take all the time and steps you need, senpai.”

“Shame we can’t just hole up here for the rest of the afternoon and just ... I don’t know, curl up with movies or something the way we used to,” Sugizo said after a long silence of just eating their lunch. Aoi glanced at the coffee table, surprised to see they had finished their meal ... which was probably what had prompted the comment; ordinarily, this would be the point where they would reluctantly part company and go back to their daily lives.

Today wasn’t ordinary.

“What, you thought I was going to let you go so easily?” he teased, unable to stop smiling as he watched realization dawn on the other man’s face.

“ ... you’ve been conspiring with Yo-chan, haven’t you?” he accused with a playful glare. 

“Not so much conspiring as ... well, I texted him my half-baked plan, he texted back that he would take care of it. I don’t think that can be counted as a conspiracy.”

“Uh-huh,” Sugizo said with a little snort of disbelief. “Not that I’m actually complaining ... but I won’t tell him that. He knows he’s right often enough as it is.”

“Not my fault he knows you so well,” Aoi said, faking indifference as he shrugged. “So ... you were saying something about movies? Or something else?” he asked as he got up from the couch, flashing him another easy smile. Now that he was really looking, he could practically see the knots of tension that his senpai had become, the deeply rooted unhappiness that was still pulling itself free. Keeping him all afternoon had definitely been the right call; even if they really didn’t do anything more than curl up on the couch with Netflix and popcorn, it would be good for the archangel to relax. Maybe he’d even stay for dinner, offer the man a massage.

“Hmm. Depends on the something else you hand in mind~ No baijiu this time, though.”

“No baijiu!” Aoi agreed, chuckling as he turned to start gathering up the remains from lunch. “I don’t really have a specific plan here, just trying to help. Whatever senpai needs.”

A hand caught his wrist, stopping him before he could make his way to the kitchen, but that wasn’t what trapped his breath in his lungs.

“What if I said that what I’ve missed most,” Sugizo said, his voice little more than a whisper, “what I’ve most regretted denying myself is you?”

Aoi swallowed down a sudden lump in his throat, letting go of empty trays. Those stupid butterflies were back, a whole flock of them, dancing about his stomach like a bunch of ravers. Which was stupid, and yet.... Maybe a joke would get them to fuck off?

“Oh? But you’ve been seeing me every week lately....”

“True,” his senpai conceded and Aoi wasn’t sure if he had been pulled closer or stepped closer on his own. “But I haven’t been able to do this.”

This time Sugizo was definitely pulling him, those so talented hands sliding up into his hair as he pulled him down into a slow kiss that was anything but chaste. A shiver ran down his spine, he wobbled and practically fell into the archangel’s lap before some sense leaked back into his head, his own hands sliding up Sugizo’s chest as he returned the kiss. His powers stirred in his belly, lazy and indolent from his improved diet over the past few months but no less present. A part of him wanted to pull back, to insist this was wrong - Sugizo and Hiro had only just broken up two days ago, this _had_ to be wrong! And yet he was completely weak to it, already more than willing to do anything his senpai asked, even this. Maybe especially this; his powers didn’t have the same effect on the archangel that they did on a mortal, but they had _some_ , they’d be able to help him relax. Maybe it was wrong, surely it was wrong, but if sex was what his beloved senpai needed.... And those hands, so warm and sure, felt so right as they slid under his shirt, caressing bare skin. How many times had he told himself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t need this, that being Sugizo’s friend was enough? And maybe if things had been different it could have been, but now.... Aoi scooted himself closer, a soft moan catching at the back of his throat as his senpai deepened their kisses. So many times he’d told himself he didn’t need this, but gods had he missed it.

A low whimper escaped when Sugizo leaned back from their kisses and his senpai chuckled, one hand cupping his cheek.

“Shh, it’s not like that,” Sugizo murmured, eyes closing as he pressed their foreheads together. “I just ... I need to be sure. You’re sure this is okay?”

A knot he hadn’t even realized was there unclenched in his chest and something warm and giddy rushed through him.

“The only person who doesn’t already know everything about how I feel for you ... it’s too new, there’s a mountain of things he doesn’t know yet. He doesn’t even know Yo-sama by name, unless he’s somehow pieced it together behind my back. Hell, I’m pretty sure he still thinks I’m human, just slutty as hell,” he replied with a low laugh, trying to make a joke of his own words.

“All right, all right, as long as you’re sure.”

“Ryuu’s known how I felt even longer than I have, senpai, and I think we both know that if Yo-sama’d had any problems with this, he wouldn’t have kept them to himself.”

“Fair enough,” Sugizo murmured, tilting his chin to catch Aoi in another slow but ultimately short-lived kiss. “I’ve hurt you too many times now. I won’t risk doing it again.”

“I trust you, senpai,” Aoi mumbled, leaning in for another brief kiss of his own. “We don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, today’s all about you. If you just want to sit here and watch stupid movies then th-.”

Sugizo leaned in and pressed another kiss to his lips before he could even finish the sentence. Didn’t really matter, the rest hadn’t been that important anyway.


End file.
